Ink & Penwipers

Scribbles, screeds, speculations, and the occasional reference to Schrodinger's cat.

30 July 2003

And now it is time to do the New Job Dance.

Hurrah! I've secured a part-time position in the library of a technical college, doing work I know how to do in my sleep. I go in tomorrow to sign the papers of indenture. Of course, I am not going to tempt the gods with the hubris of a full-blown war dance, especially considering what happened the last time I started a job, but surely the pantheon will allow me a few minutes to exult in this window without getting out the lightning bolts.

Thank you everyone who commented on Chapter 19 -- I thirst for reviews like a woman in a desert! *puts out lower lip at solitary review on FF.net* Jessica says I need to get a move on on Chapter 20, as I am not coming round to more smoochies soon enough. All in good time....

29 July 2003

Once again, it is time to do the New Chapter Dance.

In which various generals plot various campaigns.

*wink*

26 July 2003

Notes from the Closed Ward of St. Mungo's

Went to the new library a few days ago and came home with two music CDs and two books -- one a theologian's catalogue of saints (did you know that John of God is the patron saint both of librarians and alcoholics? Giles would wince) and Laurie R. King's Folly. Blew through Folly in six hours last night. Wow. I've never read a more compelling description of what it's like to have a panic attack, nor a less whiny portrayal of a woman scorched by depression. I'm glad I read straight through to the end, because the tension and spookiness did not let up until the last ten pages or so, and if I'd abandoned it before then I'd be sitting up in my bed all night with eyes like saucers. Or like Moody's magical eye, round and livid, wishing I could see out the back of my head, too. *shivers* So go read it. I want to read the new one, the one that's supposed to be about Allen Carmichael, though I can't remember right now what it's called.

*thinks about the skeleton*

*shivers again*

25 July 2003

"You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me."

Came up with an idea for a book of personal essays yesterday while in the car. And a smashing title too, no less: Mutually Exclusive. So far I have already written two or three of the essays I want to collect: "The Absence of Peace" and "Forgiveness" both need revising, and a heap of minor commentaries need going through to see if they can be developed for the collection. I've been wanting to do a collection like this for a while, but the content hasn't been cohesive mentally....

Have a new favorite TV show: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It airs on Bravo on Tuesday nights. The Fab 5, a team of specialized couture gay geniuses invade the home of a straight guy, give him a makeover, help him rearrange and redecorate his home and wardrobe, and help him to fulfill an ambition of some sort, whether opening an art show or giving his wife a belated birthday party. First time I saw it I swear I hadn't laughed that hard in a long time -- even harder than when I read Mad-Eye Moody's line for the first time: "Don't put your wand in your back pocket, boy! Better wizards than you have lost buttocks that way, you know!"

Like the new template?

24 July 2003

Am modifying my template a bit, but it's going to take a while, as I am doing this on a shoestring and don't know how to construct tables and whatnot.

Excuse my dust...

UPDATE: The images are from the Duc de Berry's Book of Hours, which are indeed a great source of enjoyment for hours on end -- for those who like medieval art. I'm still futzing with the interlinear style of th menubox...suggestions, of course, are welcome.

22 July 2003

Bit of a Reviewy-Type State of Mind, Yes.

Yes, ladies and jellyspoons, Ink and Penwipers today brings you a progress report on the reading of the New Church Teaching Series as part of my self-inflicted confirmation curriculum. [Obligatory digression: In my stint as a teacher I found the most creative spellings of the word "curriculum" in my students' essays, and it never failed to make me snicker, because I'm mean that way. Well, you try reading the word "crickulum" with a straight face.] Anyway. As I said in my previous post on the subject, I'm quite impressed so far with the series as a whole, but now that I'm about four books in I want to say a few things.

The first book, The Anglican Vision, written by series editor James E. Griffiss, decently does justice to the need for introducing newcomers to the usages and uniquenesses of the Episcopal Church/Anglican Communion. It's an overview book, so it makes no claims to instruct the reader in Anglican history or practice beyond outlining some of the major points of both. The only problem with an overview book is that it tends to make only a tenuous, nebulous connection with the reader, so that unless they already have some fairly sturdy conceptual work done on the subject, I fear they might get a bit...well, bored. But perhaps it's the other way around, because I did have some conceptual work done on "the Anglican vision", and I found myself desultorily staring for minutes at the same paragraph a number of times. The other difficulty about this book I will mention a bit later, as it appears elsewhere in the series.

The next book, Opening the Bible by Roger Ferlo, was immediately engaging, cohesively detailed, and unassuming in its purpose. I'd read a couple of pages before I looked at the author bio and realized the man was an English professor before becoming a priest...ahh, so that's why. I expect that my immediate positive response to this book reflects how accustomed I am to the English major's style*; but then again I think there's a reason why the English major's style is appealing. As Jessica commented to me, contemporary scholarship, when not loaded with jargon and ideological faff, relies heavily on conversational and narrative styles of rhetoric to carry its weight, and English majors, of the generality of humanities scholars, tend to do the best job of using that style to make their logical and ideological content accessible to the reader. (For all you out there who are not English people and may take umbrage, I hasten to say that English people tend to be the guiltiest of writing the aforementioned jargon and ideological faff, so it's six of one, half-dozen of the other.) Ferlo's aim, of course, lends itself to the style -- that is, he wants to introduce the reader to the Bible as if it were an entirely foreign object, and show by a few potent examples how to set about reading it responsibly. Though I've been steeped in Scripture all my life, I learned quite a lot from this little book about how to read the Bible, not the least of which is the value of not taking its complexity for granted. A respect for the Bible and its power permeates this text, even when Ferlo is saying some quite radical (that is, scholarly) things about textual criticism. My only quibble with his attitude is the heavy reliance on Jewish traditions of reading and discussing -- or I should say, the ease with which he assumes that the reader will have no difficulty assimilating these traditions as things that shed light on Christian Bible study and exegesis. Because of my personal experience with Judaism, I have no difficulty understanding what he's talking about and why it relates, but I'm not so sure that people coming from my background (which is not so much anti- as a-semitical) would do the same. I have a suspicion that some people reading Ferlo's book might say something like, "Why the hell's he mentioning Jews so much? We're not Jews!" Of course, my sympathies are much more with Ferlo than with such a reader (after all, I'm quite avid to see Christians discover and acknowledge what they owe to Judaism and its traditions), but I expect that the teacher or discussion leader using this book in an adult confirmation class would have to do some extra preparation to address this issue. Then again, I may be making a mountain out of a molehill. I am, after all, learning out of this book rather than teaching out of it. Ferlo ends the book with a fervent affirmation that to read the Bible and to read Scripture are two different things -- that is, after all the work one does of making something out of the Book, one must then let the Book make something out of us.

The next book in the series, Engaging the Word by Michael Johnston, was meant to take up where Ferlo left off. Unfortunately, it started to annoy me about five pages in. Here I encountered in full irritating force the sort of irresponsibly narrative rhetoric that merely slowed me down while reading Griffiss's overview. What made it worse was that the book's purpose is not to overview anything but to teach the reader something about exegesis. Instead, the book taught me what Johnston's grandiose pet theories are, and provided some seriously wacked-out interpretations of certain passages. I'm thinking here especially of the story of the Gerasene demoniac, and how in Johnston's hands it is mainly a story about Jewish/colonial responses to Roman oppression. It's not primarily, or according to one of the scholars he quotes, even at all, a story about a demoniac that Jesus cures when he shows up in Gerasa. This bit occurred in the chapter about the book of Mark, which according to Johnston is consciously a grass-roots political narrative aimed at the themes of bondage-breaking and concept-shattering. Johnston's introduction to the chapter ended with a sort of grinning assurance that although I might not agree with the readings he proposes, I will certainly find them interesting. Well, I would have, but then I started reading the chapter. I'll listen to liberal scholarly readings all day long**, even if they make me mad, as long as they're responsibly done. As it was, I quit this book after encountering the chapter about the Jesus Seminar. The thing is, for all Johnston's assurances to me that the Scriptures were conduits of the numinous and the holy, I did not find myself believing in his respect for the Book after reading his work; whereas although Roger Ferlo never even said anything explicit about the Scriptures being conduits of the numinous and holy until the very end of his book, I was convinced of his respect for the Scriptures even (and especially) while he was saying some very liberal things about it, things far more "radical" than an unbalanced reading of the gospel of Mark -- like the issue of the Septuagint's and the Masoretic Text's different renderings of Isaiah's prophecy regarding the Virgin Birth.

So there. Phew. Glad I got that off my chest.

I am now reading Opening the Prayer Book by Jeffrey Lee, and though he's not an English major, I appreciate his handling so far of the topic. I'll say more later when I've finished it.

I must add that although I've suffered a few difficulties with the series so far, I have not so far had to deal with Thoroughly Bad Writing in any of it; even Johnston's book (much as it annoyed me) evidences a clear understanding of how to handle the language, and all of it is fairly representative of contemporary scholarship in the humanities -- that is, intelligent people who can write, handling their topic with a certain level of understanding. Religiously, I think the books will do for me, taken all together, what they were written to do -- give me an understanding of the church I'm coming into, with all its complexities and richnesses. So on the whole I'm still quite pleased with my reading.

My Inner Eye tells me that my next post will be something completely frivolous.

--

*Of course, quoting Stephen Greenblatt is bound to give me a happy whether the author is an English person or not.
**I'll even make liberal scholarly readings if they happen to be up my alley, all day long.

20 July 2003

Kibbles and Bits

Have posted the current entirety of "Shadow" to FF.net; it hasn't shown up on my author page yet, but I expect that will change soon. I'm not sure whether to expect a deluge of negative reviews accusing me of writing a Mary Sue (to which my answer would be, "um, duh"), or my usual meager trickle of positive reviews. Guess I'll find out.

Am working in a leisurely fashion on Chapter 19, which is not as, erm, compelling in the same way that Chapter 18 was. Thanks to everybody who commented this past week, both online and off.

Have returned to my favorite lifestyle, that of having multiple piles of books by my bed. I've been reading Order of the Phoenix again, flipping through my Lewis collection, which I retrieved from storage a few weeks ago, and now, thanks to Cathy, I have all but three of the twelve-volume New Church Teaching Series, which is a collection of informal but well-organized books written to educate adult converts to the Episcopal church. So far I am nearly through the first one, and I like it very much indeed. All this transpired, of course, because I requested reading materials to prepare for my confirmation in November -- on All Saints' Day, which I already celebrated in my mind as a time to remember a good friend (and unofficial saint) of mine who was killed in a jeeping accident some seven years ago...good God, has it been that long?...At any rate, no time like the present to study.

Sometimes things just look up.

17 July 2003

And now the fun begins. For me, that is.

In which Elisabeth and Giles do significantly less talking.

15 July 2003

Did it again, decided to end a chapter sooner than planned.

Anyway, here it is:

In which some vampires adapt a West Wing quote, Elisabeth drops the f-bomb, and Giles and Elisabeth do a lot of talking (and a little shouting).

At Attention

Well, my spiritual autobiography went off well. It tired me out; but I will mention an Annie Lamott quote I harvested from Owen's blog (thanks, Owen!):

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of ever having a better past."

At the tail end of my talk in Chapter, I mentioned this quote to Virginia, and she said that she had been struck with the idea that God will not fail to continue redeeming a person's past ("He who began a good work in you..."). I said, but somehow it is also necessary to give up hope of that redemption of our past. And Virginia said, "Yes, exactly. It's another form of that paradox where you give up your life and find that you've saved it..." Indeed.

And in other news, my sister IMed me last night and sent me a link to an article she has written for The Ooze. It's brilliant. Go read it.

10 July 2003

Marking Time

Jessica tells me that the fast-food building going up on Glenstone is going to be a Popeye's, not a Bueno. Damn.

I have been working on my spiritual autobiography this morning, because I am slated to give it at the next Chapter meeting in my Community. They all appear to be excited to hear it, as they've all heard each others' bios, but nobody has heard mine yet. No pressure, right? But I know that the worst critic in the audience is going to be myself, anyway.

I was going through my old journal, the one I kept through college and graduate school, and as usual it was a depressing read. I hate even looking at the purple cover of that notebook sometimes, because I know what's in it: a grovelling litany -- I'm a bad person: Good Lord, deliver me. I've failed at living: Good Lord, deliver me. I think You're cruel and I don't understand why I can't love You: Good Lord, deliver me.

Good Lord, deliver us.

Looking at myself this morning, I had been thinking that I've just wasted a year and have accomplished nothing; but immediately after I thought this I realized it wasn't true. I've actually accomplished quite a lot, not the least of which is the recognition (patchy though it be) that just because things are difficult and not as I'd like them to be, it just doesn't follow that I'm therefore a waste of space. I still do the things I lamented in that journal -- that is, I have the same failings I ever did, and they get me down as much as they ever did. Depending on the state of my hormones, I take that in stride or I curl up and writhe like a poisoned wasp. But a few things are different now.

For one thing, stuff I used to think was sooo bloody sinful I now think is natural, expected, and (when undesirable) something God doesn't even have to break a sweat to have patience with. Even my maunderings on what I see as my colossal failure as a human being, which drive my friends and family to distraction -- I have a sense that they don't tax God's entire store of patience, or even very much of it. I mean, he gets that a lot, doesn't he? And even when Jesus explodes with things like, "How much longer do I have to put up with this?" I get the feeling that it's not really us he's angry with, but the obscurity that hides the land of the living from our eyes.

Because for another thing, I have a clue that there is something outer, something outside the storm and stress of being a person like me. I don't get any sense of that from my old notebook, and I don't remember ever feeling it; though I must have had times now and then. I think being in a liturgical church has helped that. Before, in worship, I was constantly fretting about whether I felt enough, or believed enough, to sing the worship songs and listen to the sermon. Now, I can participate in the liturgy and know that it will still be true whether I feel it or not, whether I believe it or not -- when I walk into and out of church I'm not like Atlas, carrying the world. All I have to hold is a Book of Common Prayer.

And I have started thinking things. I mean, not borrowing others' thoughts and dressing them up to look like mine, but thinking some things of my own. About myself, and about what I want to do. Not running around desperately seeking out positive opinions to shore up a rickety old bridge -- having my own damn positive opinion, and going from there.

None of which is easy for me -- none of which I do consistently -- but I know it's there. I've known who I am for a long time, but it has taken me so long to be able to say that that is a good thing, even for a moment.

And now, my soul says, can I leave this homework and go play outside?

Oh, thank God.

08 July 2003

Buenostalgia

Yes, the sad thing about having moved away from Tulsa is that I'm no longer near a Taco Bueno. I've had access to Taco Bueno all my life, and now there isn't one for miles, just a bunch of bloody White Castles and Steak'n'Shakes. Though the fast food place they're building here looks like it might possibly be shaped like a Taco Bueno...with my luck, it'll just be a Taco Bell. Feh.

Which reminds me of a story I haven't yet told. When I was teaching, I used to laugh privately as I graded papers, at all the grammatical bloopers and malapropisms that my students perpetrated in their essays. One afternoon I was in the writing center grading, and came across a student who paraphrased a line in Richard Rodriguez's "The Achievement of Desire" with a singularly unfortunate typo: "I gestured nostalgically toward the pasta." Not, of course, the past. So I giggled, trailed my hand along my fevered TA's brow, and declaimed: "Ahh -- spaghetti!...Manicotti!...Linguine!" It's become a running joke.

So when I saw this building going up, I said, "That looks like it might be a Taco Bueno when it grows up....Ahh...Taco Bueno...." Jessica said: "What is this, Buenostalgia now? Are you gesturing nostalgically toward the Bueno?" Yes, indeed. I am.

So in honor of Buenostalgia, I now present you with Chapter 16, ahead of schedule. Woohoo!

Bon Appetit, mes amis....

06 July 2003

A poem.

Endurance

It is night, and in the still lamplight
I fit my fingers to the smooth indented
Splatters of plastering on the wall;
They fit like cups, some of them, while others
are rough and knobbled to my round fingertip.

...The sheets are damp with my sweat, the sweat
Of merely lying here in a summer night...

Like Thomas touching the Glorious Scars, I fear to ask
For revelation, for comfort, but dare not refuse the offer;
My body still rings with Hosannas -- oh, save! save! --
My throat still swells with Gethsemane desperation --
It is still the Sabbath of loss. I have lost:

(He confused all their schemes)

Lying on my bier of a bed I count my own scars. I press
My fingertips to the wall and

(Plowmen have plowed my back, and made their furrows long)

weep.

I am told that my scars too will be glorious. The more ignominy,
The more honor -- the more my own doing, the more brightly redeemed.

I say, Until I touch them, I will not believe it.
Meanwhile, I keep the company of the saints,

Just in case.

03 July 2003

Bread, Right, and Froo: A Patriotic Post

Most of my blog hits nowadays seem to be coming from people doing google searches on "Weasley is our King," or "Occlumency," or the occasional "women's sexual pleasure". Which last is quite funny because I am perenially not getting any.

On to the topic. The other day my roommate and I were in the grocery store, passing by row after row of patriotically decorated everything, from cups and plates to candy to flowers to -- well, let's put it this way, I wouldn't be surprised if you can buy red-white-and-blue disposable razors now. Or patriotic maxi pads. "I am sick of all this red, white, and blue," I said as I followed my roommate down the aisle toward the freezer case. "Y'know why? It's less special now that it's bloody everywhere." "Ah," my roommate said, deliberating upon a box of chicken wings, "but our President says that it's even more special now." "Oh, it's special all right," I said, "it rides the short bus."

Speaking as someone who was sentimentally patriotic before it was cool, I have to say that there is a certain point at which one gets fed up with the banal flag-waving. It's because I respect the American flag that I don't stick it all over things and in things, from refrigerator magnets to cupcakes to clothing. I don't put it on my car antenna to get whipped into rags by the wind, and I don't leave it on my porch to fade in the sun and get soaked in the rain. I don't begrudge people their enthusiasm, but when I see these things done I cringe and want to tell them that if they're going to fly the flag they should bloody well do it right. (And yes, I think a Britishism is quite appropriate there.)

In addition to losing its specialness and respect, the flag as a symbol loses meaning when it saturates the visual landscape. When I see it now, all I can say is: Oh, that person is "patriotic." I am much less likely to think of the country that flag symbolizes -- much less likely to think of my home -- than I am to think that the flag-flyer or the color-draper is an ardent Republican who supports the war in Iraq and various other things I'm so un-American for disagreeing with. And there's an aggressive element to this flag-flying business too: flying the flag now means that you are fighting the good fight against All Those Others who want to take away our freedom. Hello? The only people I see rallying forces against our freedom -- our solid, durable, everyday freedom -- are Americans. Americans, I shouldn't need to add, who also fly the flag. If the real threat to our freedoms lies within, then why are we beating drums and flying flags against it, when we have met the enemy and it is us? The meaning I have always loved in our flag has been lost: the same meaning I can still see when I cross a state border and see a new state flag flying -- the banner of welcome to somebody else's home, and the banner of welcome to my own when I return.

I miss the times in which flying the flag -- flying many flags -- draping everything in red, white, and blue -- was a special occasion of almost liturgical significance. Now I can't distinguish the occasion of patriotism -- the anniversary of our colonial independence -- from the everyday. And when you try to raise the level of the everyday to the level of the special, all you end up doing is dragging the special down. People have been profaning the sacred for ages, and yet nobody has learned this important lesson. All this sound and fury? Well, you know. I'll probably wear my colors tomorrow, and smile when the flag goes up the pole; but it'll be with one auspicious and one dropping eye.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled wibbling.

02 July 2003

The one cheery spot in my week: Chapter 15 is now up, featuring an extended tete-a-tete with Xander and Elisabeth.

*is too depressed to do the New Chapter Dance*

Please, give me comments, even if you hate it...on second thought, wait till next week to tell me if you hate it.